9 May 2019
For those of you who don’t know, when I came to Brazil, I unexpectedly fell so madly in love with the country that when I left, Brazil was always on my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking and talking about it…and I couldn’t wait to come back. I was counting down the days and rushing to get back here…
But now that I’m here…I’m starting to wonder if it was a big mistake. Did I just have rose-coloured tourist glasses for the country when I left? Was I just lucky with my encounters the first time I came?
It’s been almost 24 hours now but somehow things feel a little different. They don’t feel as exciting now that I’m here the second time. In fact, I am feeling much more anxiety now that I’m back. I feel like I’m not as welcomed with open arms from those who I was warmly welcomed with the first time. I’m feeling like I’ve overstayed my welcome. I don’t feel the most comfortable and I’m suffering pretty bad anxiety right now.
Having money problems doesn’t help either – I feel so horrible about this. Firstly because I don’t have the financial liberty. I’m not free. I feel trapped and like i have to rely on others. I feel like I’m placing a horrible burden on others when it’s really not their problem. It’s killing my ego and self-esteem and making me feel like a huge burden myself.
And another huge thing playing on my mind is love. Yes, I fell in love here…and I’m reuniting with the man I fell so madly in love for. I’m concerned, worried, anxious. My gut keeps telling me things have changed…for the worse. My doubting subconscious is telling me that things are going to be different and that we will have to eventually face some painful but true fate. I worry that after all that we have been through, all that I have sacrificed to be with him, we will conclude that we’re not meant to be…simply because of square one (we live in separate countries). I’ve seen progressively his waning enthusiasm to talk to me and in his responses as time has passed. And that’s what worries me the most. It seems like it’s not fair on either of us to proceed pursuing the relationship once Europe is over…unless our circumstances drastically and coincidentally change in our favour.
I’ll be honest, going away by myself with the added emotional attachment has been more than extremely difficult for me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and worrying about what he’s doing. I haven’t been emotionally free. Being away from him and worrying has certainly dampened my spirits many times and I haven’t been able to truly enjoy the fruits of traveling throughout the rest of South America.