Written when I was on a bus from Paris to Poitiers, towards my next Workaway.
Have you ever been traveling and thought to yourself ~ “I’ve had enough. I just want to go home now!”
To be honest, I’ve been relatively happy plodding along through my travels and hopping from country to country, bed to bed, couch to couch, bus to bus, etc (you get my drift. I could continue on forever but I’ll spare you the pain). Generally, I’ve felt relatively content or satisfied up until literally maybe the past week.
When I stop to think about it, it’s actually been over 10 months since I left home. I’ve had some really testing moments but right now, it feels like the hardest time. Maybe it’s not the truth but it certainly feels that way right now. Maybe it’s just simply me harshly judging myself and that is making me feel worse than the situation actually is. But I’ll be honest, I don’t think my travels have ever gotten to a point where all I want to do is go home ~ where I’ve been completely fed up and can’t emotionally handle any more. Put simply, I haven’t had much good luck for a while. Big challenges keep getting thrown at me. To be honest, I don’t feel like I’ve been properly able to enjoy my travels over the past 3 months. I’ve been tired and emotionally occupied.
1st because I fell in love and went into an essentially ‘long distance’ relationship which gradually waned.
2nd because I’ve dealt with the confusion of feeling different for the ‘love of my life’.
3rd because I JUST went through a bad breakup with him a few days ago.
4th because I was diagnosed with scabies.
And the last one because I’ve dealt with 2 creepy guys in a row…not to mention all the money problems I’ve had with my card, even in Europe.
I guess I still really struggle with sudden changes and challenges. I struggle to quickly accept and move on from a challenging situation. This is something I’d like to change. It goes hand in hand with my judgmental brain. I’ve noticed that I am very judgmental of people. I feel like in my most recent romance, my judgment took away my ability to love. It took away my patience, empathy and compassion. I was not kind in the end. When I think back, I miss him and all the positive memories we created. I wish we kept it as a perfect memory and that I didn’t go back. I wish I didn’t agree to go to Europe with him. That decision took away my emotional liberty and tarnished both of our first memories of Paris. The breakdown of our relationship also made me want to run away as quickly as possible and led me to making questionable Couchsurfing decisions which has significantly detracted from my experience in Paris (and my scabies).
I want to love Paris…I really do and in a way I do…but it’s everything which has happened to me ~ this series of unfortunate events which have left a painful, stressful and negative scar of the place. It’s also made me more cautious of men on Couchsurfing.
I ended up reporting the first guy…but I had no idea just how inflamed the situation would become and just how ugly he would turn. Needless to say, his reaction shows his true colours. It’s exhausting to even go into the detail and I probably won’t. But let’s just say he personally attacked me and sent me a very long, angry message. Now I’m stuck in a situation where I’m not sure if I still have scabies and I’m paranoid I’ve passed it to other people. I feel like a diseased person which can’t go anywhere, do anything or interact with anyone. I’m pissed off because I didn’t ask for this – it’s not my fault for getting this and I’ve tried EVERYTHING I possibly can to get rid of it and to make sure I don’t pass it to anyone else. And then I feel wrongly accused – guilty of something which essentially isn’t my fault.
I’m so lost I don’t even know what to do.
Genuinely, I felt like the people making me feel this way are being overly paranoid (based on the medical advice and research I’ve done) but they seem to have convinced me otherwise and made me paranoid myself.
I just think that this is utter bullshit.
When will the bullshit end!?
I’m fucking done.
***Update: this is a super deep rant. As you would know, our travel experiences has ups and downs ~ things are getting better and my experience in France is improving. Let’s just hope it keeps exponentially getting better. I have written a whole bunch over the past week so you will see more of this journey unfold. Currently I’ve got a few more days working in the vineyard before I head to Bordeaux.