I have to admit something ~ this day has ended up being the most difficult day to write about. Day 13 was when things started getting busy for me…which led to me taking less notes…and me trying to dig deep into my memory of all the changes which have happened over the last week or so.
But my memory is not doing too well.
Day 13 was supposed to be the last “free” day of Quarantine…the last day that I could sit around, slowly enjoying whatever I wanted to do (sort of)…
Because the next day was my absolute very last day of quarantine (I know…I can’t believe I made it through all those days with my lonesome little self ~ but that just proves how resilient we are as humans and how no matter what, time eventually passes).
It was the day I had to prepare to leave the world I had for the past 2 weeks. And that meant that I had to clean the crap out of the apartment. It meant that I’d spend all day sanitizing everything I touched or thought I came into contact with (it’s how many things you end up touching even when it’s a small space and for such a short period of time).
That’s what I thought my very last day in quarantine would be like.
And that meant that I only had 2 things to do over the next 2 days.
(1) clean the crap out of the apartment; and
(2) interview prep ~ the plan was to take my sweet arse time on Day 13 to give me enough confidence to perhaps make myself look half decent in the video interview (I really didn’t feel comfortable doing it but I respected that they were asking for videos instead of meetings because of covid).
But I never expected my day to turn into a coronavirus paranoia-spiral.
I woke up at about 6.50am again…surprise, surprise…but fell asleep again until about 9am.
I woke up feeling a little…indifferent to everything that was going on in the world…
When I started writing in my journal, I started pensively thinking about how I felt.
Day 13 Quarantine.
Today is one of those mornings where my mind was completely somewhere else while eating breakfast (so much for mindful eating).
I know why. Bcoz I’m anxious – I have to make a decision. Well I actually have decided to stay for at least one more day. It’s partly because I’m not ready to pack up and clean today but mainly because I am being careful. My throat hurt yesterday, I felt run down. I feel better today but the pain is still there a little. I feel anxious because my mum took a day off work for my triumphant return. I feel guilty. And then I don’t want to add stress/worry to my parents coz I know how worried they get (and my brother).
But sooner or later the truth has to come out and it’s better being truthful than deceitful for the sake of convenience.
I would be mortified if I brought covid home to my parents and I always believe that the greater good – the ultimate goal is the most important. Plus, we’re supposed to live through discomfort. All I’m doing at the moment is fighting with my immediate tendency to want to run away and hide from the problem and discomfort. But there’s no real benefit from doing so – it’s only a temporary benefit of avoiding worry…but then I’d be fighting like crazy worrying myself if I brought covid home.
That was my entry in the morning.
Yep…I developed a sore throat again the day before and felt run down ~ much like when I felt sick in New Zealand and on my first day of quarantine (I don’t know how but I completely forgot to write about this from my blog yesterday).
So there it was…the turning point ~ my new dilemma of being paranoid that I had coronavirus.
I wasn’t sure if I should just go home and be cautious or ask to stay longer…but like I said in my journal ~ I’d be mortified if I brought coronavirus home or passed it to anyone. But I was scared and guilty. I felt extremely reluctant to ask Flemi and tell my parents. She’d already had given me her place for 14 and mum already organised to take a day off work for me.
But I had to do what I thought was best.
I messaged Flemi the day before to give her a heads up and ask if I could stay at her place if necessary and she agreed.
She was waiting for another update.
Me: “Hey gurl how are you today? I slept well last night and feel better today but there is still some pain in my throat. I feel like it would be wise to stay at least an extra day to see if it’s pretty much completely gone by tomorrow. Would that be ok with you?”
Flemi: “Hey…hope you feel much better with a good nights rest. I have been looking forward to going back to mine…let’s see how you are tomorrow afternoon. I do think I have been very generous. Unless you think it’s corona related?”
I was a little bit upset with her response because it made me feel guilty.
Me: “Yes u have I know. I’m just paranoid it’s corona related otherwise I wouldn’t ask. But it’s ok…I’ll just go in the morning if you wanna come back. I don’t have flexibility to leave at any time. My dad has to come pick me up in the morning because he has work.”
Flemi: “Alright Wednesday morning it is. Prob should go to a clinic and get yourself checked ASAP girl. You should probably call a doctor. And with that said, maybe I can’t go back until you are given an all clear.”
Me: “Yeah…good idea.”
Flemi: “Let me know when you go to the doctor as I am not sure it is wise for me to go back. I hope you are ok. Can’t imagine the paranoia.”
We spoke a little more about me being paranoid and seeing a doctor before parting ways.
I’d tackled the first hurdle but all it did was cast a big grey cloud of doubt and worry in my mind…because it’s one thing to be worried about having coronavirus but it’s a whole new level of worry to officially speak to a professional about it.
I didn’t want to face the possibility of actually having coronavirus…but knew that I had to for mine and everyone else’s peace of mind.
I decided to contact my parents first:
“Mum, dad. I probably have to actually stay at my friend’s place for one more day and come home on Wednesday because yesterday I had a sore throat. I feel much better today but I just want to sleep one extra night here to make sure. Mum, I’m sorry I know you took some leave tomorrow for me ☹ I am just a little worried though and want to be sure so I think it’s better for me to stay at least for an extra day. Sorry.”
My heart sunk after sending my message. It was covered with this huge shadow of guilt.
Then…my dad responded:
“Don’t worry, when you are sure to come back, just let us know!”
And just like that…the shadow had lifted, relief took over and a smile came to my face.
I love my parents so much.
It was settled. I was staying an extra day and would get in touch with a doctor tomorrow…(which was so timely because on the same day, I received an e-mail from my GP offering telephone consultations due to coronavirus).
I made the booking for 1.50PM.
Even though my mind was so very preoccupied with paranoia and worry about having this horrible virus which has plagued the world, there wasn’t much I could do but go on with my day, trying to be as positive as I can.